The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
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The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
goldfish mafia
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no