You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
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“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
hmm conte-me mais
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop