You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I feel it
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?