“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
“i miss shittin on people”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT