Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious