discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
no regrets
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Shower sex be like:
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Who called it baking and not making love
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house