CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
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“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Yeah. This was me today.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat