6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
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Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth