“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.