Fries, not lies.
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy