I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
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Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Matt Goss
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Sell your car
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I love you…
…r dog.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team