me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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My dog after a walk in the woods.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me