If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
*serious situation*
My brain:
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.