1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
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It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*