I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m putting together a team