Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
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What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.