Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter