If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
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I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Oh my God.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!