If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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A huge thanks to the person that did this
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Lol.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God