welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I need better friends
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
🤣✨#caturday
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.