God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
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Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
You know I’m something of a chef myself
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.