My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Natty or not?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”