Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.