The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?