BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
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I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I pray every night that I never become religious…
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.