9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
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Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
i spent way too long on this
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.