Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
For the orator and chef in all of us
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
What if the weather talks about us?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]