If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.