When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Name this drama.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?