Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
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If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.