I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I鈥檓 as full as a tick on a tampon
I鈥檇 be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I鈥檓 funny, and now I鈥檓 sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this, but it鈥檚 time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I鈥檓 a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it don鈥檛 say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character鈥檚 idea, it鈥檚 really just the author praising their own idea.
I鈥檝e seen wax fruit less fake than you
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn鈥檛 go because you never let me do anything?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?