Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
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I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
But wait…
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
This kid will have a bright future.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.