BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
You Might Also Like
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Feel. He’s so soft.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.