I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
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“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.