date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
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Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Salad is the decaf of food.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…