There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two