I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?