these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”