Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
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{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?