Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.