Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
You Might Also Like
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!