Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Social Media and Real life
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”