Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
adam and eve had first world problems
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you