Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
figuring out my emotional availability:
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
New comic up. “Ransom”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message