[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Good morning.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I think the cat got the dog high.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.