I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I need to update my racial profile.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog