Not recommended for beginners.
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.