Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
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My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine