#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Breaking news:
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Education is vital