Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Still cracks me up
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
i hope my email finds you on fire
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”